he still shines

When I was young I'd listen to the radio waiting for my favorite songs
When they played I'd sing along it made me smile.
Those were such happy times and not so long ago
How I wondered where they'd gone
But they're back again just like a long lost friend
All the songs I loved so well.
Every Sha-la-la-la Every Wo-o-wo-o still shines
Every shing-a-ling-a-ling that they're starting to sing's so fine.
When they get to the part where he's breaking her heart
It can really make me cry just like before
It's yesterday once more.

Looking back on how it was in years gone by and the good times that I had
Makes today seem rather sad so much has changed.
It was songs of love that I would sing to then and I'd memorize each word
Those old melodies still sound so good to me as they melt the years away.
All my best memories come back clearly to me
Some can even make me cry just like before
It's yesterday once more.

the carpenters 'yesterday once more'

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Suddenly he appears.

Once in a while, when i get on the subway, see out of the window, tap my fingers on my bag, and when my mind's full of emptiness, he's there.
I don't like to be the one in someone's memory. However, i may wish that i'm still the one who he'd recall on his mind. As far as i know him (only if i can say "i still know him" ), he's not the kind of man that shows his thoughts, abstract feelings or recalls the past times.
I can't help thinking of him a lot these days, but it doesn't mean that i want to go back then, just simply, i'm curious what he's doing and everything's alright. Perhaps, if i insist, 1 out of 100%, i may have wished that he had thought of me even for a little bit, being honest. I still keep in touch his friends, we used to hang out and join the club together so nothing's wrong with my relationship with others, but it's become kind of taboo(funny, to use that word! haha) to talk about him in front of me or about me to him. I'm very fine with that now, so i ask about him and make jokes on him. Besides, when i feel like talking about 'our'(which's expired long long time ago, but still) beautiful memories, furtively say his name and those days, laughing out and feeling a relief.

While staying in manila, i dreamt of him three times and it made me feel sorrowful and my self vulnerable. I wrote the dreams in my diary but didn't mention his name. His name was so special and I really loved calling his name, so whenever his name was on the tip of my tongue, i avoided saying that, even imagining the spelling of his name. I pretended to be kind of impassive but don't know if i succeeded in it. He was extremely sick in my third dream, and 'we' (oh, this word used to break my heart, ha) were very close to each other and i was taking care of him. He smiled so brightly that i was almost confused it was real and we were together again. He was crippled and wasn't able to stand up or walk without holding me beside him. It was such a great feeling, although i knew it was just a dream in the end of the unreal film. As soon as i woke up, i was happy to see him, on the other hand, was worried if something's wrong with him. I'm not an angel that always wish his happiness, but it was the only thing i should do that moment, praying for him.

I was tempted to text him several times, but didn't. I don't understand male creatures' mentality, guess it might not leave a good impression if i call on or try to know his status. It probably seems like i'm nosy and still unable to pull my thoughts together. I'm very collected though. But, honestly, I kind of miss him. How can i define the word "MISS"?
(at this rate i'll forget the necessary emotion when human-beings love -_-)

keep on listening the Carpenters music.
it echoes in my ears.

Every Sha-la-la-la Every Wo-o-wo-o still shines

so does mine.

she

one of my favourite ones.

i sometimes see myself keep some distance from her.

when i feel like she's probably sulk or a stranger to me, i try to be stable, but my mind's out of control. i know it's such a stupid thing. we're somethimes careless each other and it reminds me that i should be someone for her and so should she. what a nonsense. it's simply because she's so natural that i feel her existence anywhere i am. no wonder i think of her a lot that she'd not suppose, i guess.

she's valueless to me. i can live without her, but i couldn't have been grown up without her.

she soothed me, smiled at me, dreamed with me, worried together happily and, above all, listened to me.

i like taking a picture of her. my clumsy love, you're so beautiful in there :)

Memories in Seoul Station

Seoul Station.

it looks like a brand-new and very clean place in the picture. There used to be only one station that you see in this picture. It was built during Japanese colonial period, so its style's pretty nice and some sort of European. But when KTX operated, another station was built in 2004 and, after that, the original station's become in no use at all.

New station building's full of glasses in external appearance and just modern as other normal buildings these days. There're many shops, well-organised restaurants, passage to major supermarket, so it's really convenient and easy to spend money or kill time. Every place is connected and everything's automatically mechanized. People looks happy, even though they rush their ways, and satisfied with neat and updating atmosphere where they prepare for the pleasant trip. I also take train there, no options to choose anyway. But, for what reason, i feel uncomfortable and something's missing that have gone in our mind.

Every people has their own places in memories and those places usually disappear or are removed because they're out of date and the world needs new convenient glittering things more and more. Seoul station's one of those things. Personally, i value it a lot, since it still shows we've gone through colonial period (just like a history museum), can be the symbol of Seoul back thenpoor times when many from rural areas wanted to settle in the capital city.

Besides, i have personal memories which is, i assume, quite usual and common among Korean. The day we went on a school excursion to Gyeongju, a whole number of first grade in my girl's high school gathered in front of the station. We were so excited, our soul was already in Gyeongju, and all in a flurry. The train we took wasn't KTX and took about 4~5hours to get to the destination. Girls were busy shoutings, chatterings, playing games and joking around. The way to Gyeonju was chaotic, but it was rather relaxing and silent on the way home, because girls were used up after 3days of rave. I don't know if young students still go on that kind of excursion but the point of departure must have changed.

Nobody uses old Seoul station any more. It's been a couple of years since it was closed. It's not demolished but its outward look is shabby, ugly, desolate and pathetic (i believe i'm not the only one to have these feelings.) Moreover, so many homeless people have (already) built a nest and never leave that sabby dark place, after all, the environment around old station is getting worse and dirtier. You can smell an odor of homeless, alcoholic, garbage, medded-up food and so on. The homeless, who once had had a sweet home, talk themselves, beg moeney once in a while, talk themselves, argue with co-dwellers. They spoil the sight of Seoul station, dare i say it.

However, i think there's no miracle drug to make them go back home or leave that place. Old station's just kept in silence and been patient with inhospitable treatment. People pass by old one and go inside the new one. Old one's surrounded with unpleasant objects, but new one's easy to access, although you don't take train. I'm neither blaming homeless people nor criticizing modern things in the lump. But we can see what's wrong with it. I don't want to see the "beautiful and historical" old station being neglected by Seoulians and also anyone else.

writing

((foto: such a lovely sky in BATH, England / dec, 2003))

Some people study aesthetics and find out what are beautiful, can be valuable, and follow (or create) the cultural icons that common people'd be enthusiastic about.

I also dreamed of being a writer or something artistic. I used to write short stories in my pramary school days and got rewarded for some of essays. It wasn't very special thing, but imaginary stories that kids can make up. I wanted to continue learning how to express, construct the sentence and what can be attractive materials for well-formed story, so joined the literary club. As far as i remember, there were around 10kids who were accounted to be talented. (i don't remember if my teacher recommended me to join, but i wasn't that much talented, i can tell.)

I can't remember atmosphere of the classroom much, but i guess that our teacher tried to inspire us and we also tried to find unique motif and compose whatever our ability allowed. I totally forgot what i wrote about (maybe only one i remember, i took part in the composition contest which was a part of eletricity safety campaign and i personally enjoyed a lot, therefore, got a pretty big reward.), but it was really great time to experience a dream world.

Since i entered middle school, i wanted and tried to keep on developing my own talent but was kind of lazy and not eager about writing. I kept on writing lots of things though, especially diaries and letters (you know, Anne Frank's diary was -and still- my ideal and i was Anne wannabe. haha). I sometimes take out those remembrancers and recall old times. There're my imaginary friends (i used to name my diaries in my middle school days, i assume i was so affected by Anne), old friends who i don't meet any more, anguish and joy and other trifles. I'm still used to showing my heart in words, that's more comfortable and easy to me, so was i in my younger days. My mom'd tell me off for not speaking as much as other girls -i didn't understand though-, so after she scolded me, i used to write a letter to confess(?) or express what i think/feel/was sorry/regret... and she reluctantly forgave me.

I still feel myself not good at speaking, especially logically or persuasivelly (oh, terrible...), but hope my writing's not worn out yet. I do enjoy any kind of writing and try to record my moments, thoughts, values, and share my imagination with others. It is tough to put up with every wicked thing in this world, we'd better imagine the way we really want. Imagination's nothing great, just in our heart. Hope many people show it off :)

Areum

Tomorrow is Areum's enterance ceremony day. She's now 14years old, middle-school student. Middle-school in Korea means you should study harder, compete somehow, go through adolescent moments and conflict with lots of things. You don't have to grow up fast but you'd feel there're huge things to deal with. University goal's getting closer and closer, however, it depends on students if they opt to go which way.

First time, when i heard about Areum from Ate Shin, i thought i used to be like her. She has so much in common with me. Her personality when she's angry at or feel hurt and the way to express her mind. I wasn't able to get close to her -age gap and other reasons-, but feel like giving many thoughts of mine to her. I can't assume how she'll be when she's in her 20s. She must be very smart, outgoing and courageous woman. She's now 14years old and just moved on to another stage, so i just want to share some valuable things with her.

I'm thinking of giving a book about childern in the 3rd world. Once i heard she seemed to concern filipino children and want to help them oneday, so the book may help her concrete her values. I'm caring this girl because Ate Shin's very important to me. She's the portrait that i wanna be in my 30s. Not everything but most things that i want to follow her way. She taught me -she doesn't know though- silently, and i just hope her daughter Areum grows up likewise.

And if i can be helpful in a small portion, i'll appreciate the chance.
Congratulations, Areum!
Be great!