doodling

i'm not particularly good at drawing but i do like doodling.
if i've got some blank sheets, i just can leave it neatly.
all the time i scribble something on the parper
sometimes it can be a descriptive composition
or reflects my mind so that someone even can read what's inside me.
anyway i decided drwaing or doodling for fun and for myself.
it's another way to record my days and observe myself.
it can be delayed
but there's no problem
cuz i do for my own good.

3days sub-teacher

sometimes it's easier to talk to the strangers.
i would be able to smile more being kind.

i've been a sub-teacher for 3days at YBM. nothing's been difficult because i used to work there and the class i was in charge was so nice. there were 6 students, Erin/Karl/Pascal/Jessica/Trent/James. most were eager to learn korean and they helped each other get understood better which was very motivating.

last thursday, during break time they asked me to go down to grap coffee. i wasn't that hungry so said no for donuts. Trent asked me two times and said that he always had to ask korean people to get them something. i didn't mean that but was being a typical korean like those who say "oh no, it's ok! i'm not hungry! i don't need coffee!" something. but i had coffee and it was, automatically, on him, haha.

i taught them only for 3days. today after class they were going to have lunch together and i had nothing to do, so joined them. i met Phavel(not sure if it's correct spelling...never wrote his name.) by chance and took him together for lunch. the intersting thing is most foreigners easily get along and become friends very quickly. we have honorific terms in our language and are very conscious about age or position things, so it's quite hard to become a 'friend' when we first meet. it wouldn't be only in western culture. i remember that i was surprised by philipinos huge hospitality and friendliness when they encounter a total stranger.

they mostly spoke in english and tried in korean some part of their conversation but it wasn't that easy. I linstened to them and talked to them in korean then they try speaking korean once again. we may meet some time if they go on studying there. i was only sub for 3days and we hardly know each other, but it was very comfortable and i was able to adjust myself very well. i'm writing this kind of for thanking them for enjoying my class...i feel so.
-_-;;;

since long

wow.
almost five months since I haven't kept my diary here.
haven't been off for a trip to the Philippines,
but it's not a good excuse to explain my lazzzzzzzzzzzzzzziness.
it's hectic how everybody gets by every single day.
probably i'm rather idle (doing some things though)
and being an extra in my life these days.
busy moments and got to keep them recorded.
for my own good.

autumn's on the way.

"quotation mark"

around the end of the day, i try to think back on the day that has become 'past' just a minute ago. i admire those who can put their utterances into "quotation marks" since i can hardly think of a word which i uttered in order to communicate with others whole day.

it's strange. really. i taught 4 hours trying to be a loyal(don't know, if it's appropriate. haha) teacher and to talk less than students, but listening more. there must have been plenty of interactions and breakdowns. however, when it comes to the "(DOUBLE) quotation marks", i can't pick up any of it.
maybe i'm just trying to recall what i've done everyday and want to record what i say, share and communicate with others. or just want to catch some of my uttered inner myself. yeah, i can say it'd be that. so many '(SINGLE) quotation marks' inside me. i'm not even able to take them back though, can grasp what my feelings were on my way home and when i walked down to the subway station. nobody knows but my (little) quotation marks know.

yeah.
everybody wants to show how they feel and,
perhaps, they're screaming silently wanting people to discover the hidden meanings beyond Double quotation marks.

wierd thinker, aren't i?
(-_-)

time to go to bed,

"night night"

itching back

my back itched
i wished someone would scratch my back
all of a sudden
i wished i was married.

it's funny though it made me be engrossed in the thoughts about marriage.
i don't see that through rose-coloured spectacles.
marriage is the reality and nobody can keep out of it.
but, so far, it's probably because i'm not married,
i think marriage should be filled with some kind of fantasy and puerility.

i can remember how i was unrelistic and stucked into the illusion of 'happily ever after' when i used to go out with my ex. every tiny imagination such as what kind of house we'll live, how many kids we'll have, where we'll travel together, what we'll do at on weekend and so on and on and on...i've got so many doodlings and life plans about such a wild dream. it's been all over now but i'm still happy that i used to care (maybe TOO MUCH) about 'WE' things.
every single thing was represented by WE, that lovely plural thing.
even though some part of the last relationship's regretful, i can smile to think of myself who used to play a role of 'Dr. Jekyll And Mr. Hyde'. hahaha. i mean multiple personality, not like an illness, but someone who changes herself while in love. i can hardly say that i'm able to be like that someday, somehow. (wish that day'd come soon, though. haha)

fantasy's made by those who fall for each other.
it's not a matter of how deep their love is, how tough the real life is, how 'our own' love is precious than others'. perhaps, marriage's very simple thing. therefore, shouldn't be anxious too much, nor regard as hard/difficult/complex thing. it'd be easy. i want someone who is closest to me and able to scratch my back when i'm itch.

thanks, dear spring

thankful saturday morning with Selenge & Jumpon. my morning in Sinchon began at 10.40, it was already lively there. middle-aged hikers were busy taking a picture and mommy took their kids for an early picnic in univ.

petal of the snow.

fragile blossoms that are ready to breathe.

it was really hard to resist the feeling like having a trip to suburb this afternoon. such a warm & bright moment it was.

cool breeze once in a while,

wish you were here with me watching the flowers grow...

i'd rather believe you feel my heart somewhere.

ingat ka, mahal ko.

spring's all around

white and pink petals were floating in the warm breeze everywhere in the school. the hand of the clock was pointing to about 3 when i headed for the classroom. lots of university students were gathering near the big cherry blossom trees.

everybody seemed frantic about taking a picture as if they waited for spring so eagerly. bright smile's on everyone's face and petals were occasionaly blowing away.
my ears were full of Corinne Bailey Rae and i could grin just only watching excited crowds over there. i thought of bring my camera this saturday and taking some pics when it's not so crowded. i think myself pretending to ignore this such a lovely spring that i feel after the long long summer in manila. last winter was really cold and i missed warm weather. spring's here but i rather seem like losing presence of mind.

not really hectic but i feel like i'm kind of, funny to tell though, obssessed with thoughts like walking faster, reading one more line, falling asleep grabbing the book in my hand, following up the lecture, being a good teacher etc. etc. it just means that i'm trying to play my part, and also means i've forgotten to stop by for a while for very delightful moments under the tree.
spring's all around and everybody's making a silent scream.

shouldn't i join them, haha.
hope there'll be a mild wind blowing this coming saturday morning.

he still shines

When I was young I'd listen to the radio waiting for my favorite songs
When they played I'd sing along it made me smile.
Those were such happy times and not so long ago
How I wondered where they'd gone
But they're back again just like a long lost friend
All the songs I loved so well.
Every Sha-la-la-la Every Wo-o-wo-o still shines
Every shing-a-ling-a-ling that they're starting to sing's so fine.
When they get to the part where he's breaking her heart
It can really make me cry just like before
It's yesterday once more.

Looking back on how it was in years gone by and the good times that I had
Makes today seem rather sad so much has changed.
It was songs of love that I would sing to then and I'd memorize each word
Those old melodies still sound so good to me as they melt the years away.
All my best memories come back clearly to me
Some can even make me cry just like before
It's yesterday once more.

the carpenters 'yesterday once more'

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Suddenly he appears.

Once in a while, when i get on the subway, see out of the window, tap my fingers on my bag, and when my mind's full of emptiness, he's there.
I don't like to be the one in someone's memory. However, i may wish that i'm still the one who he'd recall on his mind. As far as i know him (only if i can say "i still know him" ), he's not the kind of man that shows his thoughts, abstract feelings or recalls the past times.
I can't help thinking of him a lot these days, but it doesn't mean that i want to go back then, just simply, i'm curious what he's doing and everything's alright. Perhaps, if i insist, 1 out of 100%, i may have wished that he had thought of me even for a little bit, being honest. I still keep in touch his friends, we used to hang out and join the club together so nothing's wrong with my relationship with others, but it's become kind of taboo(funny, to use that word! haha) to talk about him in front of me or about me to him. I'm very fine with that now, so i ask about him and make jokes on him. Besides, when i feel like talking about 'our'(which's expired long long time ago, but still) beautiful memories, furtively say his name and those days, laughing out and feeling a relief.

While staying in manila, i dreamt of him three times and it made me feel sorrowful and my self vulnerable. I wrote the dreams in my diary but didn't mention his name. His name was so special and I really loved calling his name, so whenever his name was on the tip of my tongue, i avoided saying that, even imagining the spelling of his name. I pretended to be kind of impassive but don't know if i succeeded in it. He was extremely sick in my third dream, and 'we' (oh, this word used to break my heart, ha) were very close to each other and i was taking care of him. He smiled so brightly that i was almost confused it was real and we were together again. He was crippled and wasn't able to stand up or walk without holding me beside him. It was such a great feeling, although i knew it was just a dream in the end of the unreal film. As soon as i woke up, i was happy to see him, on the other hand, was worried if something's wrong with him. I'm not an angel that always wish his happiness, but it was the only thing i should do that moment, praying for him.

I was tempted to text him several times, but didn't. I don't understand male creatures' mentality, guess it might not leave a good impression if i call on or try to know his status. It probably seems like i'm nosy and still unable to pull my thoughts together. I'm very collected though. But, honestly, I kind of miss him. How can i define the word "MISS"?
(at this rate i'll forget the necessary emotion when human-beings love -_-)

keep on listening the Carpenters music.
it echoes in my ears.

Every Sha-la-la-la Every Wo-o-wo-o still shines

so does mine.

she

one of my favourite ones.

i sometimes see myself keep some distance from her.

when i feel like she's probably sulk or a stranger to me, i try to be stable, but my mind's out of control. i know it's such a stupid thing. we're somethimes careless each other and it reminds me that i should be someone for her and so should she. what a nonsense. it's simply because she's so natural that i feel her existence anywhere i am. no wonder i think of her a lot that she'd not suppose, i guess.

she's valueless to me. i can live without her, but i couldn't have been grown up without her.

she soothed me, smiled at me, dreamed with me, worried together happily and, above all, listened to me.

i like taking a picture of her. my clumsy love, you're so beautiful in there :)

Memories in Seoul Station

Seoul Station.

it looks like a brand-new and very clean place in the picture. There used to be only one station that you see in this picture. It was built during Japanese colonial period, so its style's pretty nice and some sort of European. But when KTX operated, another station was built in 2004 and, after that, the original station's become in no use at all.

New station building's full of glasses in external appearance and just modern as other normal buildings these days. There're many shops, well-organised restaurants, passage to major supermarket, so it's really convenient and easy to spend money or kill time. Every place is connected and everything's automatically mechanized. People looks happy, even though they rush their ways, and satisfied with neat and updating atmosphere where they prepare for the pleasant trip. I also take train there, no options to choose anyway. But, for what reason, i feel uncomfortable and something's missing that have gone in our mind.

Every people has their own places in memories and those places usually disappear or are removed because they're out of date and the world needs new convenient glittering things more and more. Seoul station's one of those things. Personally, i value it a lot, since it still shows we've gone through colonial period (just like a history museum), can be the symbol of Seoul back thenpoor times when many from rural areas wanted to settle in the capital city.

Besides, i have personal memories which is, i assume, quite usual and common among Korean. The day we went on a school excursion to Gyeongju, a whole number of first grade in my girl's high school gathered in front of the station. We were so excited, our soul was already in Gyeongju, and all in a flurry. The train we took wasn't KTX and took about 4~5hours to get to the destination. Girls were busy shoutings, chatterings, playing games and joking around. The way to Gyeonju was chaotic, but it was rather relaxing and silent on the way home, because girls were used up after 3days of rave. I don't know if young students still go on that kind of excursion but the point of departure must have changed.

Nobody uses old Seoul station any more. It's been a couple of years since it was closed. It's not demolished but its outward look is shabby, ugly, desolate and pathetic (i believe i'm not the only one to have these feelings.) Moreover, so many homeless people have (already) built a nest and never leave that sabby dark place, after all, the environment around old station is getting worse and dirtier. You can smell an odor of homeless, alcoholic, garbage, medded-up food and so on. The homeless, who once had had a sweet home, talk themselves, beg moeney once in a while, talk themselves, argue with co-dwellers. They spoil the sight of Seoul station, dare i say it.

However, i think there's no miracle drug to make them go back home or leave that place. Old station's just kept in silence and been patient with inhospitable treatment. People pass by old one and go inside the new one. Old one's surrounded with unpleasant objects, but new one's easy to access, although you don't take train. I'm neither blaming homeless people nor criticizing modern things in the lump. But we can see what's wrong with it. I don't want to see the "beautiful and historical" old station being neglected by Seoulians and also anyone else.

writing

((foto: such a lovely sky in BATH, England / dec, 2003))

Some people study aesthetics and find out what are beautiful, can be valuable, and follow (or create) the cultural icons that common people'd be enthusiastic about.

I also dreamed of being a writer or something artistic. I used to write short stories in my pramary school days and got rewarded for some of essays. It wasn't very special thing, but imaginary stories that kids can make up. I wanted to continue learning how to express, construct the sentence and what can be attractive materials for well-formed story, so joined the literary club. As far as i remember, there were around 10kids who were accounted to be talented. (i don't remember if my teacher recommended me to join, but i wasn't that much talented, i can tell.)

I can't remember atmosphere of the classroom much, but i guess that our teacher tried to inspire us and we also tried to find unique motif and compose whatever our ability allowed. I totally forgot what i wrote about (maybe only one i remember, i took part in the composition contest which was a part of eletricity safety campaign and i personally enjoyed a lot, therefore, got a pretty big reward.), but it was really great time to experience a dream world.

Since i entered middle school, i wanted and tried to keep on developing my own talent but was kind of lazy and not eager about writing. I kept on writing lots of things though, especially diaries and letters (you know, Anne Frank's diary was -and still- my ideal and i was Anne wannabe. haha). I sometimes take out those remembrancers and recall old times. There're my imaginary friends (i used to name my diaries in my middle school days, i assume i was so affected by Anne), old friends who i don't meet any more, anguish and joy and other trifles. I'm still used to showing my heart in words, that's more comfortable and easy to me, so was i in my younger days. My mom'd tell me off for not speaking as much as other girls -i didn't understand though-, so after she scolded me, i used to write a letter to confess(?) or express what i think/feel/was sorry/regret... and she reluctantly forgave me.

I still feel myself not good at speaking, especially logically or persuasivelly (oh, terrible...), but hope my writing's not worn out yet. I do enjoy any kind of writing and try to record my moments, thoughts, values, and share my imagination with others. It is tough to put up with every wicked thing in this world, we'd better imagine the way we really want. Imagination's nothing great, just in our heart. Hope many people show it off :)

Areum

Tomorrow is Areum's enterance ceremony day. She's now 14years old, middle-school student. Middle-school in Korea means you should study harder, compete somehow, go through adolescent moments and conflict with lots of things. You don't have to grow up fast but you'd feel there're huge things to deal with. University goal's getting closer and closer, however, it depends on students if they opt to go which way.

First time, when i heard about Areum from Ate Shin, i thought i used to be like her. She has so much in common with me. Her personality when she's angry at or feel hurt and the way to express her mind. I wasn't able to get close to her -age gap and other reasons-, but feel like giving many thoughts of mine to her. I can't assume how she'll be when she's in her 20s. She must be very smart, outgoing and courageous woman. She's now 14years old and just moved on to another stage, so i just want to share some valuable things with her.

I'm thinking of giving a book about childern in the 3rd world. Once i heard she seemed to concern filipino children and want to help them oneday, so the book may help her concrete her values. I'm caring this girl because Ate Shin's very important to me. She's the portrait that i wanna be in my 30s. Not everything but most things that i want to follow her way. She taught me -she doesn't know though- silently, and i just hope her daughter Areum grows up likewise.

And if i can be helpful in a small portion, i'll appreciate the chance.
Congratulations, Areum!
Be great!

nite nite

lots of things that i want to write
but it's late and already time to go to bed
just one thing before i go to bed-.

there're so many mistakes in my diary (>.<)
i'm very shamed...oh...
i look up the dictionary if i don't know the words that i want to express significantly.
i thought i didn't make any tiny mistakes but there're a lot.
haha.
it'll improve soon, someday

di ba ^^?

street children

As we get old, we can widen our mental vision while experiencing new world, meeting people from different background, changing ourselves and muddling through hardships. Human-being's not mature enough to understand situations that they don't undergo or face with. If my life's pretty fine and i don't worry about the necessities of life, we would care about poverty once in a while. (it would differ up to people, anyway.)

I'm Asian and care about Asian people obviously. Needless to say, i do care Korean but my mind tend to incline to Filipinos, expecially children. The Philippines used to live in plenty and send troops for Korean war. Thier economy got stagnant and nearly 10% of whole population go abroad to work mostly in the factories and agricultural parts. I used to teach those who want to work in Korea, so i could assume how their life go. Most of my former students were not severely poor. Some of them make a scanty living and couldn't come to the class because of the bus fare. (i was quite surprised by that.) The reason they "must" be an overseas worker (you know, filipino government respect overseas workers as natioanl heros.) is that they can't afford their family and education fees. Mother and father work in a foreign countries and, after all, granny takes care of little kids who can't meet their parents 1~3 years long. Although it sounds hard, it's too usual to feel pity.

However, it's lucky to have parents who hope working abroad, willingly sacrifice for their families. There're so many street children whose parents are rather useless and hopeless. You'll see dirty faced small kids anywhere in the philippines, especially Metro Manila. They normally don't put on shoes and slip on tattered clothes. It's hard to suppose how rarely they take a bath or brush their teeth. Their houses're probably shabby, crowded and inhygienic. They usually don't go to school but just beg money. Most of the times, begging is rejected and gets no reward comparing with their whole day effort. It can be a nothing to give them 1pesos which currency's really small. But, it doesn't mean either donation or charity. It'll spoil street childern more and more and the situation'll not be improved, if they're more used to begging daily.

I occasionally give them small coins and very cheap juices. I pat their head and wanted to cuddle them. I'm not a Mother Teresa something, but was a wealthy (<= i mean, into their eyes) foreigner. It's hard to thrust them away first time, but i was able to ignore them later. When i was waiting for my chicken's chopped, small ones came up to me and murmuring some tagalos or said "ma'am...". I sometimes replied "wala na pera(i don't have money)!" cold-heartedly. They never get frustrated or hurt, but try another people in the street. i can't imagine what they keen on, are excited about and dream of their future. Would they really dream?

I'm not pity on them. (actually i am-_-) There're actions taken for helping them, but the fundamental ground's not improved, as a result, those kids remain in the street. It's so dangerous at night, but they wandering on the road and knocking car windows for money. Can you imagine how they are pretty and have clear eyes? Rich countries exist, poor ones of course exist. What i feel pathetic is that children have to have their own place that they can dream, eat properly, keep clean, enjoy childhood, and smile withour money problems. I'm confused if it's a matter of parents or government or themselves.

grandpa

I and my parents went to grandparents' to give a new year's greeting and have lunch out together. as usual, granny had to stay home, so we took only grandpa. Dad asked him if mandu would be ok and he said anything'd be fine. It was first time for me to go around Cheonggyesan. When we reached, it was already crowded there and most people were fully equipped for mountain-climbing. Every party seemed so happy at the end of holidays. laughing, smoking, talking, having snacks while moving. We went into the restaurant and took a seat.
The restaurant was hectic, so we waited quite long for ordering and being served. Three middle-aged men, who looked very colse each other, grambled out for late service and staff only said "sorry". It was a resonable complaning, some couldn't wait for more and left, and my family and the others still waited wishing they'd serve our table first. That restaurant was a pretty famous franchise one and menu wasn't so outstanding rather expected.

It's been decades since we had a meal out with grandpa. He was quiet, but just smiled silently and answered sheepishly only when we asked something. Although i knew he's a fast eater, i felt it was even faster this time than his normal speed, and i couldn't catch up him. (anyway, im traditionally the slowest in any cases.) He seemed to enjoy lots. After lunch, we walked for a while passing by ugly eateries (what i mean ugly is, so many restaurants are built nearby almost every mountain, and it's really awqward to face that kind of scenery there.) and happily exciting faced group of people. My grandpa even walked faster and vigorously than me, so it surprised me.
He still goes shopping by himself and regularly takes a walk around the town and have no difficultied riding transportation. He always serves dinner and medicine to my grandma. I can say he's still in the pink. Why i'm wrhing about him is that i smelled him today. I can smell him whenever i go to see him. Of course there's nice smell and odor as well, but most of all, he's got "aged smell" which is very special. When i was in the car backseat with him, i suddenly thought 'i would have those kind of smell when i get old.' and felt calm. Every new year's day, we jokingly say that we got 1 year older again and feel pity on ourselves. I also sometimes felt that time flies so fast and my age's going with the accelerator, but i was soooo indifferent about his age.

I don't know his younger days, his real personality, his achievement and what kind of father he used to be, etc. etc. He was always my grandfather who never vanishes or tell me off. He could buy us small toys and snacks that we could get from mom after all of clamors. That's what family's like, i know. His existence came to me so big and touchingly.
His tv remote-control key which is covered with his greasy fingerprints and his sunken sofa.
His simple way of life. His quiet days. His unaudible love.

seoul

it's so natural to adore for the scenery in foreign countries, even though it somehow has similarities. Skyscrapers, streetlights, shops with warm orange colour lights and darkened sky. i suddenly felt my city, Seoul, is quite pretty place while riding on the bus. There was a chill in the air and people were walking straighten themselves. i could see a crowd of audiences inside Sejong art centre, probably they were waiting for the musical "Romeo and Juliet". It looked rather silent and idle on the street. People were queueing in good order and middle-aged man spit on the ground after inhaling the cigarette.
More and more foreigners visit Seoul every year. Slogan of Seoul is "Soul of Asia" as i've seen somewhere in the central places. It doesn't sound that matching word as far as i concerned. I can't define what Asia actually symbolises. It really depends on the nationality. what does "Oriental" mean to you? something like Asian, yellowish people or some exotic cultures that you want to explore as an outsider? I belong to Asia and am proud of being Asian, Korean(not always though). i sometimes wonder how much Seoul attracts foreign people and if there're huge uniqueness different from other Asian cities.

When i was in Manila, i was so comfortable staying there, inspite of air pollution, begging kids, robbery, dirty environment. It can be wierd but i was able to enjoy anything, and i believe that it's due to "manila people". Their smiling faces and friendly saying "Hi~ma'am" made me feel so comfortable. It must be because i was a brighter-skinned foreigner. i don't feel superior to filipinos, i just mean that they definitely know how to deal with foreigners.
Seoul is very clean(not everywhere, of course), well-organised, systematic city. This city cares foreigners a lot and travellers probably know this. As a Seoulian, i still don't get how come Seoul can be "the soul of Asia" and what Seoul people are like.

re-starting?

we finished our meeting when the time was about to be 9, but ho-young didn't feel like going home right away. she asked us if we wanted to go home and we weren't inclined, either. so, we decided to grab coffee and sandwich somewhere hye-jin regularly goesnearby Hong-ik univ. we waked a bit and found it wasn't that crowded comparing hte other days, simply because it was a tiring start of the week, Monday. flash students were hanging around the streets that was filled with noisy conversation. we went to the shop named "Ether in the coffee cup". i don't know where the idea's from. that place was pretty cool and cute amateurish paintings were everywhere. there were 3guys, who seemed like rather boys by visage, who may have painted those cute paintings. interior looked like they haven't finished, so it was kind of rough but it rather gives cozy and comfortable mood.

we ordered americanos and sandwich. coffee was very dark and strong. we kept on talking about lots of things randomly, but first mostly about our main concern, career. the tuition fee's got increased again as usual (unsurprisingly) and it's not affordable for us at all. ho-young applied for a student loan and ought to get out of debt when she's able to do. i once thought students'd better only study without worrying money or the vague careers after the graduation, but it wasn't easy, so i still stick with my part-time work. (i wouldn't make such a big effort anyway)

and our topic was moved on to the relationship and previous love experience. ho-young's story about her french neighbor was really interesting. as we listened to her story, there were many chances to develop the relationship but it always failed because of the cultural differences. he's probably fond of her, but she thinks he's so immature, thoughtless and imprudent. he asked her to come by his house (she lives on the 1st floor and his house in on the 14th F.) several times to watch a video, go out to for walking and learning some Korean. she thought it meant simply "hey, come to my house for a while and we'll spend some time on Healthy purpose~", but anyone can guess he's the man, so undoubtedly, what would he attempt? hye-jin said ho-young was pretty naive and he must've been disappointed, haha.

the other story about hye-jin's friend who's skilled in courting guys and finally met someone and going to get married soon. some people are so irresistably and miraculously attractive that always surrouded by many followers. the reasons can be various but i was never in green with envy of them. it doesn't mean im very careless and snob, but there's nothing to do with me. it was good to lend our ears to hye-jin's story, since we could be taken back to the memory of those days when we were really into passionate love and went through haertbreaking moments, learned lots of life lessons after all. we are almost enclosed by girls who are cheerful enough without boys and hardly get any chances to expose ourselves deliberately to male creatures. it doesn't sound pathetic but can be sad that we're getting losing our memories of pouding heart.

we're not at the age of urgent marriage yet. it occurs us to focus more on ourselves which is good. never close mind to anyone, so the opprtunity's all around. all we need is to be prepared for the moment we can fall for again.

self-support

I considered living on my own when i was about to graduate the university. There weren't bad reasons at all auch as domestic probles, long distance commute or urgent study needs. I just wanted to be independent from my parents, and also felt that I ought to.
However, I wasn't ready for the huge expenses that i would have to pay, if i owned my place. Since I was still a student, i was almost penniless and used to get pocketmoney from my dad regularly.Besides, although i could support myself financially, my parents'd never let me live by myself.

Once, one of my students, from the States, asked me if i live with my famils and i said yes. He told me that i'm the lucky one, for he had very hard times to afford his housing fee and student loans since he was "18" years old. Koreans also do part-time jobs to earn a little money and some of us work hard for a living while in school. It sounded pretty different though, because most western people were, who i talked to and heard from, nearly forced to be responsible and independent for their life around at the age of "18".
18. We're still in the highschool or preparing for the entrance exam to the university. That means we still need our parents strongly with us and behind us, as if they're a solid raker that never collapse.
It's a matter of different point of view and money really matters anyhow.

And now, I'm re-considering having my own place. I can afford only my expenses and have learned how to deal with lots of things without my parents. I'm already 26 and it's time to learn more things outside such a safe system of my family and be independent indeed. I sometimes find myselt relying on my mom due to her sacrifice and house works that belongs her, after all i'm possibly being lazy. When it comes to my father, the situation's very akin to the above, like i depend on him because he'll give me some extra allowance any time i ask him. It's so natural and obvious that parents generally do that for their children, but i feel like i should get away from that soon. I calculate how much i would need and spend on food, bills, housing and other stuffs. It's gonna be super super, i can tell.

However, apart from tha money problems, lots of things'll be advanturous and exciting- I'll probably be more self-determined, well-organised, industrious and wiser, hopefully. I used to stay away from my parents for 1 year in Manila and it was a very good chance for me to figure out how much i could cope with myself. I could plan time appropriately and feel freedom which sometimes led a fast life.
I reckon it's enough staying in a shell of total forgiveness and safe routines which protect me from anything, anyone, anytime. I'm so grateful i got such good mom, dad and bro. I don't mean they're unnecessary from now on or disrurbing, but i think i'd better manage my own life before i get married.
It would be hard to pursuade my parents, especially my father. I'll just see when it'll work and i'm really ready for building a nest.

just inspired...

i turn the music on and cover my ears from the crowded and noisy street. my face's still expressionless and i've got no one to talk friendly. i know it's wierd but i'm sometimes concerned how i'd look to other people who are actually anonymous to me.
i always think it's very essential to record every single thoughts of mine, only if it's not totally worthless, so i tend to conceive as if i'm jotting down what i'm thinking at the moment. it's hard to remember all of them and, sometimes, it's turned out to be unnecessary wasteful thoughts.
nevertheless, i want to write down what happened, what i thought and felt, what i talked to people. i'm just inspired by someone who do care his daily life so much and has a very special insight into the tiny things that people'd hardly ever consider.
i'll just try. although i've got my own website, i'll try to leave traces here for it's a promise between me and myself.
new start.
new place.
new me.